I feel as though I should preface this by admitting that I don’t really know how we’re currently defining this strange stretch of time we’ve found ourselves living through. It almost feels like the annual wintry limbo between Christmas and New Year’s Eve, except warmer and considerably less festive.
‘Lockdown’ as it was is over (?) but the pandemic is still very much present, and with a sporadic and ever-changing tangle of difficult-to-decipher rules and regulations handed to us every now and then, it’s hard to keep up.
It’s not quarantine as such, it’s not isolation, but it’s something. There’s still an air of fear, uncertainty, the ‘not quite normal’. Some are afraid to leave their houses, some are down the pub. It’s all incredibly confusing.
I DIGRESS.
We’ve all found ourselves thinking more introspectively over the last few months (or at least, I certainly have.) It’s hardly surprising, given the circumstances. When everything else is stripped away and you finally sit with your thoughts and feelings, it’s only natural that that would lead to self-reflection. When else would we possibly have the time?
2020 has very much held a mirror up in front of me and demanded that I self-evaluate. That I ask myself the deep questions and sit with the answers, even if they’re uncomfortable. What’s truly important to me? What and who do I miss most? What am I grateful for? What makes me happy? What do I want to change about my life?
What is this year teaching me?
- There is always more to learn
My acquisition of knowledge this year has been arguably more varied than ever before. A new recipe? How to upcycle old clothing with household bleach? The semantics of white privilege and examples of racist micro-aggressions? My searches and reading materials have been, to quote myself circa 2005, random to say the least.
But there is ALWAYS more to learn, and that in itself is a blessing. To learn is to grow, to grow is to better oneself and that is an endless process. You’re never ‘done’ with learning.
To gift yourself with a new skill, to see the world from a new perspective, to avoid wilful blindness of real-world issues by staying educated and open-minded… if we are able, we should. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain. - Being unproductive is entirely necessary
Who among us hasn’t felt the inexplicable guilt for sleeping in at the weekend, for ‘wasting’ a day? As if rest is something to be ‘earned’?
The ‘rise and grind’ philosophy, as aspirational as it may be, is a lie. The ‘sleep when you’re dead’ mentality is a self-fulfilling prophecy – continuously running yourself into the ground will ensure you’re buried under it a lot faster than if you took the time to listen to your mind and your body. Morbid? Perhaps. But truthful. Nobody ever goes to the grave wishing they’d spent more time working or punishing themselves for prioritising their well-being.
Not everything can be done yesterday. No-one can be ‘Always On’ and see no repercussions to their health, their mental state, their relationships.
Before the pandemic, it was the norm, an expectation, to multitask. Eat lunch at your desk whilst typing. Check your emails on the commute home.
And then, suddenly, the world slowed down. We slowed down. We realised that ‘unproductive’ doesn’t equate to wasted time.
A daily walk in the sunshine became a quite literal breath of fresh air. We made time to read, to catch up with a new series, to run baths and cook from scratch and to take care of ourselves. For once, we prioritised ourselves. - Fun isn’t age-restricted
In the same vein of prioritising ‘unproductivity’, I’m also a huge believer in unabashed joy and pure silliness.
I’ve written before about embracing your inner child and listening to what they want, and often it’s rooted in creativity, or fun for the sake of fun. Baking, colouring, playing games (console or otherwise – I’ve lost count of the amount of UNO games I’ve played this year), watching cartoons, singing your heart out, dancing in the kitchen, making, creating, finding humour and beauty and excitement in every corner of ordinary life… arguably all things we didn’t make nearly enough time for pre-pandemic.
Life is too desperately short to deprive yourself of joy. I’ve also written on this before, but I truly believe we should let ourselves live in colour. Your pleasure, your happiness, your very being should always hold more weight than the judgement of others (or your own fears.) - Some things you simply cannot plan for
It’s a huge, roaring cliché but if this year has taught me anything, it’s that you never know what’s going to happen next. That’s the thing about life, it’s wildly unpredictable.
As a somewhat obsessive planner, I thrive on organisation. I like to know what’s going to happen, when, who with, and how it’ll unfold. To that, 2020 declared that I could go and fuck myself.
Every single aspect of my life was shifted onto a new path.
I didn’t plan for every date in the diary to be rescheduled.
I didn’t plan for my living situation to change so abruptly and so drastically, as I packed my things to go and stay with my family for lockdown (at the time, naively believing it would be for a few weeks at most).
I didn’t plan for any of this. For getting used to my face without make-up, for spending so much time in the town I grew up in, for seeing my family every day, for opening my heart to a new relationship that I was both completely blindsided and warmly surprised by, for a new career change, for having to ‘go with the flow’, a phrase my anxious mind had hated so much prior to this year.
And yet, that’s what I’m doing. Happily.
I suppose when we’re forced to accept what is and embrace the challenges to come, we discover strength we never knew we had, and our gratitude for the good things, the good days, the good people, far outweighs the bad.
And this year? I’ve learned to treasure the good more than ever.
So, these are a select few of my introspective realisations that have come to light over the course of lockdown. Essentially, I have had to accept that I cannot and will not always be in control of every aspect of my life.
And that’s okay.
It’s what I take from it that matters. Sometimes we have to move with change, not fight against it.
Inevitably, there will be a ‘part two’ to this, because there’s many more lessons that 2020 has shared with me. And you know what? I look forward to recounting them. After all, there’s always more to learn.
