When I started writing this series, we were in the midst of our first lockdown. Now, we’re teetering precariously on the edge of a second one, the threat of ‘further measures’ repeatedly blustered by our Prime Minister in occasional televised briefings. My point – we’re not currently in a lockdown. But I didn’t want to rename these writings as ‘The Pandemic Diaries’, and so, here we are.
I hadn’t intended on not writing from July until September, but numerous shifts in circumstance over the last couple of months have left me feeling somewhat overwhelmed. Certainly so much so that typing a stream of consciousness and sharing it with the world would have been nigh on impossible, in no small part down to the fact that that stream was (and is) more of an uncontrollable monsoon, and attempting to catch each raindrop of thought would have been a frantic, fruitless exercise.
So, what have my “shifts in circumstance” entailed? In all honesty, I’m almost hesitant to share them, because I’m so acutely aware of broadcasting a smug ‘highlight reel’, particularly when things are so drastically different for each and every one of us this year. But, I pride myself on writing from the heart and putting honesty at the forefront of everything I say. And so, the truth is, that after a disastrous start to the year, things…got better.
I started my own business. I’m fortunate enough to be working with a wonderful client – a development brought on in part by luck, and part really, really fucking hard work. I moved back into my own home, after months of worry. I fell in love, which for those that know me well can attest to as being entirely unexpected, indescribably rare and laughably on-brand. To meet someone, to find love, in a pandemic? Of all times, of all the how-did-you-meet stories ? You couldn’t write it (although I am.)
Arguably all good things. Great things. But with good things, comes the fear of losing them. In a year where so much has been cruelly snatched from so many, with so little warning, it’s difficult to find cause to celebrate. Worse still, it’s almost insultingly easy to find cause to despair. To criticise. To feel surges of anger, hatred, upset, grief, frustration. Loneliness. Anxiety. Depression. And with that, comes guilt. How can I be battling such intense feelings of devastation, of failure, of fright, of worry, of dread and desolation when on the surface, on paper, everything’s fine?
That’s where it started for me. Fear became crippling anxiety, turning the storm in my head to one in physical form – the raindrops escaping as fierce, unstoppable bouts of tears. The thoughts had done their damage, and the rivers had well and truly burst their banks. And the worst thing? I genuinely believed I was alone in feeling that desperately out of control. That sad. That anxious. And…that I didn’t have the ‘right’ to feel any of those things.
It’s only been in recent weeks that I was able to talk about it. Imagine my shock when so many friends echoed exactly the upset I’d tried to bury! Imagine the relief!
Physical isolation has been such a (rightful) concern that we’ve forgotten about how isolating mental health can be, how indiscriminate these issues are.
Those friends and I exchanged thoughts, feelings, affirmations and kind words. Those helped more than I could possibly say, on both sides.
So, for anyone who needs it… if nobody has told you;
You are loved. There are so many people who care about you, who appreciate you, who are there for you, who you can reach out to. You are so special to so many, a source of love and light and laughter more than you could ever possibly realise.
You should be so proud of how you’ve handled this year and everything it’s thrown at you. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t hit every goal, if you aren’t where you wanted to be. You are doing your best and that is enough.
This is not forever. There is nothing to say that amazing things won’t happen for you. Things may be hard right now – but the hardship is temporary. Even the longest nights are eventually broken by the light of dawn.
You have survived every single day up until today, and you will continue to do so. That is down to your strength. Your resilience. Your determination. Your growth.
You are not the only one who feels as though life is slipping through their fingers. You are not alone. Each of us is taking the cards we’ve been dealt through no fault of our own, and each of us feels out of control in one way or another.
You are capable. Even when you’re terrified. Even when you’re insecure. Even when you’re exhausted, when you’re desperately sad, when you feel as though you are simply ‘existing’. The unwavering truth is that you can. Whatever you think of yourself, whatever doubt whispers to you, however fear may cause you to hesitate, to panic, to question – you can.
You are not ‘less than’, you are not a burden, you are not melodramatic, you are not a pussy, you are not letting anyone down, you are not a failure, you are not weak for finding life too much to bear sometimes. You are a person. You have a heart and mind and valid thoughts and feelings just like the rest of us. You are not an anomaly. You are one of us. You are only human.
I have needed to hear every single one of these at some stage this year. If you have too – you’re not on your own. Take the words. Keep them. Memorise them.
Believe them.
